April 1, 2009 - Editor's Note: Lessons from the Cockpit has had tremendous response since its launch in January, however, it has come to my attention that not everyone is a fan of flying. In the spirit of fairness, I thought I'd give one "reader" the airtime to provide an opposing editorial. The following is a letter from a persnickety feline named Lucy_Cat who has been following Lessons in a most unusual fashion.

I should say, if you have complaints about this post, please contact Lucy_Cat's owner, Dena Harris at www.denaharris.com. Obviously, Lucy_Cat's antics must be watched closely, so the more people that keep an eye on her, the better. You can do that by following Lucy_Cat on Twitter or by checking www.kissmykittybutt.com frequently.

For months I’ve followed Mr. Christopher Laney’s postings on Lesson from the Cockpit. Not by choice, mind you. My human servants have used his posts to line my litter box rendering me prisoner to his outlandish “thoughts” and “ideas.” I keep waiting for Mr. Laney to write something useful—maybe explore how tuna stock is faring or enter into a debate on the philosophical and existential implications of approaching the moving red dot of light—but so far zip…nada.

I speak for many when I say I am not a fan of flying. Frankly, the only airborne things I want to see are calamari-flavored kibble bits flying toward my mouth or the neighbor’s annoying Terrier launched into space. Therefore, in an attempt to set the record straight, I’ve listed 5 principles that are all anyone will need to lead a happy life. Or at least these are all I need to lead a happy life, which, frankly, is our only concern here.

So, without further ado (OMG—hold on. There’s a dead bug on the windowsill. SO FUN) here’s all you need to know to conquer this thing called life:

1. Stay Grounded (and preferably well-hidden under a bed)

The world is full of danger. Since you never know when you might encounter a rocking chair, closed door, or sticky toddler, your best bet is to find a safe spot, hunker down, and just wait life out. It’s better to accept the status quo than to reach for something—let’s say an opportunity to dash out the screen door—only to be disappointed. If you never set your sights higher than the top of the refrigerator, you won’t have far to fall. As for flying offering perspective, I say "Hairballs!" Being high is fine (especially when on catnip) but it’s preferable to remain low enough that you may easily swat the head of anyone who dares cross your path.

2. Purr-sonal Appearance is Everything

Mr. Laney wrote that we should all Discover the Hero Within. Ack-rrrech-plech. See that blob of dried kibble and matted cat hair? That’s what’s inside most of us. THIS is what Mr. Laney wants us judged by? I say no! Instead, we should all be judged by how silky we keep our coats, how cute our paws are, and whether our eyes glow in the dark. After all, who cares if you like yourself so long as you’re rewarded for being cute?

3. Avoid Change Like You Would A Visit to the Vet

Cats know to embrace the status quo—everything in the same place as always, daily routines, and no chance of surprise. This makes for a peaceful existence. Change is scary, which is why we cats inspect every new item, person, and bag that’s brought into the house. Change might improve life but it also might make it worse. Is it worth the risk? Better to take a long nap and avoid life versus stepping out the door into God only knows what sort of mess.

4. Refuse to Share

New-age types go around spouting that this is a planet of abundance and there’s enough for everyone. If that’s the case, you all feel free to share your stuff. As for me, I spend hours scent-marking everything and everyone in the house as mine and have no intention of backing down. As humans sadly (Or is it funny? I get the two confused) lack the ability to scent-mark, may I suggest everyone grab a label gun and may the best man/woman win?

5. Mind the Company You Keep

Mr. Laney argues we need to surround ourselves with people who uplift us. WRONG. We should claw anyone who attempts to pick us up. After that, evaluate actions (ear rubs) and gifts (feather wands and treats) to help decide whom to grace with your presence. Once you realize most people (and all dog lovers) are inferior to you, life gets easier. It removes the pressure of finding people with whom you share common interests, people who challenge you, or those who might broaden your mind or experiences. Why bother with all that when all you really need is some stooge to fluff your blankie and hum the theme songs from CATS while you fall asleep?

Some readers may disagree with my point of view and to those who do I say this: You’re wrong. And probably jealous of my silky fur. But Mr. Laney has made great efforts to point out that every person has value. While I disagree, I’ll throw him a bone, err… mousey and offer a compliment in the spirit of writerly camaraderie.

You, Mr. Laney, and your writings, are very absorbent. With your talents, you stand a good chance of giving Tidy Cats a run for their money.

Purrs,

Lucy_Cat