Sustain or Drain? Minding the Company You Keep
Christopher Laney 
Flying sustains me. When I walk away from my airplane after a flight, I have tremendous energy; I’m ready to accomplish anything. Life makes sense, and the world seems brighter, its colors more vivid. I’ve tried to prolong this euphoria, attempted to stretch it out over the week as weather or work ground me. But bills pile, to-dos mount, and its luster invariably fades.
Over the past few years, I’ve begun to seek other experiences that have the same effect on me, ones that leave me energized and powerful, like flying does. What I’ve learned is this: some of the best sources of sustainment come from a select few people in my life. I call them Sustainers. Of course, the opposite types are in my life as well: the Drainers. You probably have both these types in your life also, right? What I’m pointing out may seem like a no-brainer. But how often do we sit down to determine which people are the true sustainers and which people are the drainers, and to what level? I bet many of us have not. However, to reach our dreams, to live the lives we were meant to lead, shouldn’t we have a firm grasp on these influencers in our lives, these people who shape our days, weeks and years?
I’d never sat down to analyze this myself until I had enlightening experiences with two friends I spent time with at separate points in a single day. The vast contrast in the way I felt after the two meetings as well as the proximity in time of them both, called attention to how much others affected my well-being.
After I met my first friend, I walked away confident in myself, feeling grand about what I was trying to accomplish in life. I was sustained. But after lunch with my second friend, after listening to complaints and negativity for a full hour, I was completely drained. I walked out dazed, looking for the license plate number of the transfer truck that had just hit me. It was then I wondered, Why in the world do I subject myself to people like that? Did I feel a sense of obligation to this person because we’d known each other for so long? Did I have a subconscious need for drama in my life? No. I didn’t. I just never had thought about it long enough to notice that this person always left me feeling drained.
So, from that point on, I took responsibility for who I was spending time with in my life. When I returned home, I opened my notebook and drew a horizontal line with double arrows across the top of the page. I placed the word “Sustain” to the far left of the arrowed line and “Drain” to the far right. In the middle of the paper, I drew a vertical line down the center. This was my neutral line. For the next hour, I proceeded to list all the people I interacted with during my days and weeks, solely judging my experience with them on how I felt when the interaction was done. For someone that left me exhilarated, feeling good about myself, that person went to the far left. Anyone that left me de-energized or downright depressed, that person went to the far right. Some people went directly on the neutral line or maybe just to the left or right of it. Some went smack dab between the neutral line and the extremes. After that hour, I had a clear picture of who sustained me versus drained me in my life. Guess which group I was going to start spending more time with in the near future. I also had to figure out how to minimize my interactions with the other group.
Obviously, there will be Drainers in your life that you may have difficulty reducing the amount of time you spend with them. Bosses, co-workers and even some family members probably come to mind here. Let me leave you with a few thoughts:
1) The simple fact that you now recognize them for what they are—a drain—will help you deal with them better. You’ll be less likely to let their words sink in unfiltered. You’ll begin to find their negativity tends to bounce off you versus sticks to you.
2) If your co-workers and bosses completely drain you, this may be an indication that the place you work is not right for you. Most places have inherent cultures that are typically set from the top down. Make a goal to find a work environment that fits you, one that leaves you energized after the work day because the culture, and people, are optimistic and believe in the common goal they are working toward.
3) As for family, this is always a tough one. The first bullet above will help here, but I’ve learned over the years that most family members will respect your requests that they stop undermining your dreams, that they at least attempt to provide more support and nurturing in their interactions with you. After all, most of the time family members say things to discourage you from trying something because they don’t want to see you hurt, don’t want to see you fail. They say these things because they think they are helping. Once you let them know that these types of statements do not help at all, they are more cognizant of what they are saying and will earnestly try to support you. And, if they don’t respect your request for support? Then you should seriously examine your relationship with them and whether you want to continue it. Your real family in this world is the one comprised of people that nurture and support you, whether they are blood or not. Think about that. Of course, this bullet’s advice works with some friends as well. Just don’t spend an inordinate amount of time trying to change them. There are many people in this world eager and ready to support you for who you are. You just need to find them.
So, who sustains you in your life? Who drains you? Feel free to download my Sustain vs. Drain chart so you can figure it out.
After you know where the people in your life fall, resolve to spend more time with those that sustain you. As for those that drain you, let them drain someone else. But don’t worry about them. Remember, misery loves company, so they’ll easily find others to spend time with. You however, will find a weight lifted so you can focus on what really matters: moving toward the life you were meant to live.
Sunday, January 25, 2009 at 10:25PM | in Flying, Reaching Your Dreams, Success | Share | 14 Comments | Email Article Tweet
Reader Comments (14)
Sustain or drain got me thinking of a piece I read a few years ago..."Packing Your Parachute" or something like that. I received it from my Uncle and loved it. I like that you have taken that sentiment and turned it into a self-help suggestion. It's also a good reminder to think about how others see us and how we leave others feeling. There's a guy in my building who always leaves me feeling great. Whenever I see him and ask him how he is doing he replies with a big smile that he's fantastic and every day is a holiday! He's not being facetious either and I look forward to our next pass in the hallway. Also looking forward to your next blog....Thanks Christopher!
Thanks for the kind words, DB. You are a 100% correct that we should think about how we make others feel. I think about that often, and I always try to encourage others to charge hard toward what they really want in life.
Clear Skies,
Christopher
Dear Sustainer:
Thanks for writing these words of wisdom. I feel motivated on three fronts. I want to increase my time with Sustainers—like you—decrease my time with Drainers—and yep, they do exist—and make sure that I become a Consistent Sustainer in the lives of all those I encounter. Thanks again for sharing this message. Carol
Christopher,
Great message.
I am passing your writings on to my children. I have tried to convey this message to them...
however you do it much more eloquently.
Mexico Ron
Always good to have you here, Carol. I'm certain you sustain many people. Looking forward to reading your piece in the Chicken Soup book.
Mexico Ron! Thanks for dropping in! It's grand to hear you found the piece worthy enough to pass along to your kids. Enjoyed our time with you and Lisa in Mexico. Good luck with your business and I'll look you up when I'm in Cleveland.
It has become a mental reflex to distance myself from persons, family included, who I feel do not affect me in a positive way. It is not really an issue, just a given. Why waste time on the negative. One of the joys I experience in dealing with tourists from all over the world is the feedback I get when you approach people with friendliness and kindness. It works wonders, regardless whether you deal with muslims, christians, hindus or people from other denominations. This may not be pertinent to this post, but I want to share a positive experience that I frequently have at Schiphol airport.
Frequently I run into a maintenance man, originally from Turkey. Everytime we encounter there is this warm " hey, how are you", and this with a big smile. It is one of these small experiences that contribute to having a good day. People contact, enjoy the positive; ignore the negative and allocate it to the recycle bin.
The flip side to this post is we must each ask ourselves, "Am I a sustainer or drainer for people in my life?" I can think of a few people that I'm probably a drain on--with good intentions, but still a drainer. Thanks for a provacative post.
Thanks, Dena. Good insight. I'm sure many of us drain people close to us when we really want to sustain them. Being mindful of this goes a long way toward nurturing those relationships we want to keep.
I really related to this. I have a childhood friend who thoroughly drains me. Everyone always asks why I am still friends with her. My answer is always the same. She's grandfathered in. I will try to remember that I am in charge of who will drain or sustain me. My father wakes up every morning of his 80 plus years determined to be happy that day. I have asked him how he manages to sustain that attitude in spite of all the tragedies he has endured. His answer is, I can't control what happens to me just how I respond. Ron and I really enjoyed spending time with you and Susan and yes we did indulge in the crepes. Delicious! We would love to see you when you are in Cleveland.
We have spoken about this many times. It is just so true that the road to being happy is to surround yourself with positive people. I am glad that you have put this in writing so that I can forward it to friends and family.
Thanks!!
So good to see you on the site, Lisa. Glad you liked the crepes and would love to see you when in Cleveland next. I hadn't thought of someone being grandfathered in, but it makes sense. At least you are aware that she drains you so that knowledge probably lessens the impact.
Chris,
Great Post and fresh look at an old truth. There is a famous quote credited to different people, but it says "Where you will be in five years is determined by the books you read and the PEOPLE YOU ASSOCIATE WITH."
How true, David.